i

Lady Circe declared, “Men are swine—
For when you invite them to dine,
             They smack while they eat,
             Plus, their small, cloven feet
Cannot open a bottle of wine.”

ii

The poor fellow never suspects
That there’s something all wrong with the sex—
              To affairs of that kind
             He has always been blind.
All he touches, that Oedipus wrecks.

iii

On a precipice stony and steep,
King Aegeus gazed on the deep.
             “If my son’s sails are black,
             Then he ain’t coming back!”
And he looked before taking a leap.

iv

Empedocles, addled with Drano,
Declared, “I’m a god! What do they know?
             I’ll prove I’m immortal!
             And jumped through a portal—
The mouth of an active volcano.

v

With a great mind so tragically fertile,
Aeschylus won wreaths of myrtle.
             And yet his demise
             Could win Comic first prize—
To be brained by a hurtling turtle!

vi

Polyphemus, the Cyclops, would claim,
Hurling stones, his one eye was to blame
             For his failure to—darn—
             Hit the side of a barn,
Since he lacked depth perception to aim.

vii

Arachne, Athena beside her,
Let her ego grow wider and wider.
             “Let’s see who’s the winner—
             The very best spinner!”
Then she vanished, and nobody spied her.

viii

Cried Theseus, “I’m at a loss!
Perplexed by this puzzle, and cross!"
             “You can solve it! Don’t whine,”
             Ariadne said, “twine
Does the trick. In a pinch, dental floss.”

ix

Zeus knew that his wife would despise her,
Still he hoped that she’d be none the wiser.
             “Io, that cow!”
             Hera screamed. Zeus said, “How
Did you know? I thought it would disguise her.”

x

Stoic Seneca wasn’t a hero
To take on a pupil like Nero.
             But I tell you, in those days,
             It took some cojones
To give his assignments a zero.

xi

An atomist known as Lucretius,
Uttered, and wasn’t facetious,
             “Death’s nothing to dread,
             You can’t feel once you’re dead!”
But I still find the argument specious.

xii

King Minos to Pasiphaë

“My trust in you’s tacit yet full—
But dear, what are you trying to pull?
             A child should be cooing—
             Not lowing, or mooing—
You say this kid’s mine? That’s all bull!”